Sick of being sick

Today isn’t a great day. My steroid dose was cut two days ago…the one thing we were all looking to to improve my psychiatric symptoms….and some of my gastro symptoms are back. I am praying it is coincidence, something I ate, anxiety, or just about ANYTHING that means I have to go back to the higher dose.

I am sick of being sick. Quite honestly, I have never felt this unwell in my life. When its not pain it’s hallucinations, when it’s not gastro symptoms it’s depression. Then there are the side effects of the drugs themselves…dry mouth, tachycardia, insomnia, restlessness, everything tasting bad, immuno suppression, fainting….the list goes on. I just want to feel well again. Mentally and physically.

One of the annoying things is that I have very poor concentration. The books I have, the tv, crosswords and activities on the ward are things I can only concentrate on for 10 minutes or so. I am so weak and lightheaded from the combination of the oesionophilia and my meds, that merely walking to an activity is too much for me. I feel pathetic. But this, combined with insomnia makes for some very long days, and too much time to think.

I know it could be worse, but today I’m struggling, and today I don’t feel strong. But tomorrow is a new day and I hope the world seems brighter.

2 thoughts on “Sick of being sick

  1. Hi Rachael. Julie here 🙂
    Its been months since I saw you, and I see a lot has happened in the meantime. I can see things are pretty shit for you right now and I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m thinking about you in there and I can only guess the frustration you are feeling. Life can be very unfair, and some people get more than their share of adversity, which is how I’m sure you feel right now. Please remember that you have many friends who care about you, and who know that underneath all that shit, is a wonderful, happy, bright and connected person. You!
    Thinking about your blog, and particularly the reasons you have been admitted to psych, I’m interested in your take on living with mental illness, and how you think you might get past this really bad chapter in your life… I hope you feel that there is some hope that you can live with mental illness, and any stigma attached to it (I don’t attach any stigma, but this is probably because I have been surrounded by it my whole life). As I think I have mentioned to you before, my dad committed suicide when I was 8 after years of suffering with undiagnosed mental illness. His sister also committed suicide two years later. Lee’s dad attempted suicide a couple of years back after being diagnosed with bipolar and he actually called me (well, he called Lee, but he wasn’t home) when he was in the middle of his ‘episode’, threatening to end it all, and I tell you, that was one of the worst conversations of my life. I can’t tell you how hard it is to talk to someone who is feeling so isolated from reality, and so sick of their inner pain, that they want to ‘end it all’. Logic and reason aren’t really part of this conversation, and I’m the kind of person who understands the world through logic, not ‘feelings’. It was particularly hard because it was like getting the phone call from my own dad, that I never had. A goodbye. Luckily, we managed to get help for Lee’s dad and he has moved on somewhat. His life isn’t as fulfilling as he would like, but that is mostly because he is so socially dysfunctional that he isn’t able to enjoy the benefits of friendship and family that many of us take for granted. So, I can kind of understand what feelings encourage suicidal thoughts, and it honestly caused my heart to drop when I read your comments that you were feeling this way. I don’t have any expertise (obviously!), but I can suggest that, if in these moments you can’t find the logic and reason to keep hold of your life, focus on the good ‘feelings’ life brings you. Especially those you have with David and Stephen. The loss of a parent thru suicide is a heartbreak you carry your whole life. There is no blame, or shame, or even anger. Just loss.
    Anyway, I respect your ability to share so much of your mental illness struggles through your blog, and thought I would share back. Keep strong Rachael, even if you can’t always stay sane 🙂
    Love Jxxx


  2. An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a colleague who had been doing a little research
    on this. And he in fact ordered me dinner simply because I found it for him…
    lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanks for spending the time to discuss this subject here on your web site.


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