You think that I’m strong…

You’re wrong.

A number of people close to me have commented that i am strong, or resilient, having gone through what i have. Does the mere fact that I have been through a lot of shit make me strong? I don’t think so. On a locked ward I had little choice over my survival, and it is easy to put on an automatic front for visitors.

What would you do if You saw me a my worst. Sobbing on my bed, self injurious and suicidal. What if you saw me talking to people who don’t exist, or running from Security guards. What if you heard me tell my doctor I can’t keep going, or saw the enormous bag of medications that I am unwillingly addicted to. Would you still think I am strong?

Would you still believe me to be strong when you saw that I have been so physically unwell for so long that I can barely walk down the hospital hall without becoming close to collapse. What about if you realized that I had left my family for over four months, fought against medical staff, and wake up screaming from nightmares. How about if you knew that I lost my memory to the extent that I forgot significant life events and dates. I can’t drive and I still can’t remember how to get to my office.

I have lost the trust of loved ones, my memory, and my dignity. I am filled with shame and regret.

You think that I’m strong. You’re wrong, wrong, wrong.

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