There is a reason I married an IT guru.

(Well. Aside from that fact that he is kind, supportive and dashingly handsome of course.)

The reason being that I should LITERALLY be banned from technology. Yes. Literally, not figuratively (I’m looking at you, Ted from How I Met Your Mother). LITERALLY.

I shouldn’t even be allowed to keep this blog. I’m actually fairly impressed that it hasn’t exploded in my face or something.

I’m the girl who called the IT department to my office on a sunday afternoon because my computer wouldn’t turn on. Hassled and grumpy on the phone. “Yes I am pushing the right ON button.” Sheesh. What do you think I am? I have VERY IMPORTANT work to do here!

IT arrived and I pointed out my computer accusingly. They pointed out that it wasn’t plugged in.  I apologised profusely.

Just the other day I downloaded a new photo editing app on my phone. I was swiping this and tapping that and suddenly – I SWEAR I don’t even know how – I ended up in some sort of dating application with a baboon face as my profile picture, being invited to “flirt” or “send kisses” to people. A BABOON face. I’m not even exaggerating. I couldn’t make this shit up.

In half horror, half hysterical laughter, I shut down the app which I kind of regret because it would have been endlessly amusing to see if anyone “sent kisses” to me; the baboon. Surprisingly, I feel, Hubster wasn’t as amused as I was, questioning why I was even on a dating app in the first place.

“If I WANTED to be on a dating app, do you REALLY think I would have chosen THIS  as my profile picture?” I pointed out, flashing him the baboon photo.

“Fair call. It’s not your best angle.” True love, that.

I can’t even handle landline technology. While in hospital I called Hubsters work line for something or other. It was quite late and this guy answered the phone whose voice I vaguely recognised. For some reason I panicked.

I let out a strangled “Hubster…..is that youuuu?!”

Almost immediately I realised it was Hubsters boss and I slammed down the phone before he could reply.

Smooth.

But the worst, the absolute worst time was when I saw that I had a message on Skype from  a friend. A MALE friend, I might add.

I was breastfeeding at the time. Well. Not at that actual moment, but during that general time period. I was full and sore (you mothers know what I am talking about) and, well, to put it simply – topless.

Multi tasking, choosing clothes, juggling a baby (you mothers know what I am talking about) I quickly replied to the message then noticed that I had accidentally clicked on what seemed to be some sort of bad homemade pornography site. There was a bare chested woman cavorting across my screen. What. The. Hell.

A closer inspection and I realised that it wasn’t porn. It was me. Topless. I was video calling my friend. Topless.

Abort! Abort! I ducked down and closed the window. I LITERALLY (not figuratively) could have died.

In a panic, and because it seemed like a good idea at the time, I sent him a quick message. “Did you see that?” Super casual.

“See what?” he responded. Super casual.

Yep. He saw it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I should be banned from technology.