If I could sum up last year it would be; “That awkward moment when it was 2014”
Because really, the whole year was a series of awkward and unfortunate events. Today I have written about a few of these moments, in no particular order of “What the Dickens?!”
1) I had the strange experience of being a patient at three different hospitals within a 12 hour period. I was resident at one psychiatric facility. Transferred to another psychiatric facility. Then admitted to a surgical ward at a third hospital through the ED. Some people bed hop. I hospital hop. What a tart.
2) When I was transferred to the second facility it was in a van with a CAGE in the back. I went to get in the back then noticed all these bars everywhere, then was all insulted and “Dude. I’m not riding in a cage” to the driver. He laughed and said he could handle me me, so I got to ride shotgun. I didn’t mention the word “shotgun” though.
3) My entire family were stricken with gastro when I was admitted back to the medical ward due to surgical complications. I wasn’t expecting to be admitted so spent four days without so much as a paperback or pyjamas. I did, however, possess a sense of impending doom as I wondered what would happen to my abdominal surgical site once I, too, got an attack of the vomits, seeing as an unexpected sneeze rendered me incapacitated. Unfortunate for me perhaps, but less unfortunate than for Hubster, who spent an evening attempting to clean projectile vomit (Master D’s. Not his. Or so he says) from every square inch of our car.
I can say this because today I had the privilege of performing the exact same task. I spent close to an hour trying to remove Master D’s car seat, with a pair of pliers (don’t ask), I was covered in various bodily fluids that, for once, were not my own. All I will say about the matter is that lying in bed with a morphine drip would have been a blessed relief.
4) I walked into my assigned room only to find a young girl in there. Masturbating. That wasn’t awkward at all.
5) I somehow acquired and wore someone else’s underwear. The horror. I never found out who’s unmentionables I had inadvertently stolen. All I know is that they were six dress sizes larger than me.
6) I kept coming across people I went to school with. Not as fellow patients, but as my treating medical professionals. As a patient with mental illness and an embarrassing gastrointestinal disorder that was just, you know, AWESOME.
7) I was propositioned for sex. I am not even kidding.
8) I had to wear a canvas sack for a few days. That’s right. I literally wear a sack and get propositioned for sex. I am not quite sure what that says about him. Or me.
So there are some of my most treasured moments of 2014. We can all learn a thing or two from this.
1) Always pack a bag if you go the ED.
2) Knock before you enter.
3) Check your laundry…
4) …and forget bars and clubs. Psychiatric hospitals are the place to pick up.